Ask Lucy Tucker
Hi wizzies, my name is Lucy Tucker. I'm an often wrongfully accused college girl, and I'd like to repair the reputation I have at your lovely college. I made a habit when I was young of taking the blame for other people's crimes, and then people began to exploit that. I'd like you to know that I'm not just a myth you hear about during O-week, I'm a real person with real feelings. To show you that, I've started this advice column. I'm here to answer your burning questions, solve your dilemmas and be your upstanding, but sometimes comical moral guardian. Whether you've just broken up with your boyfriend, you cannot decide for the life of you which subject to choose, you've landed yourself in an awkward love triangle, you're worried you've done the wrong thing by a mate or you just can't find the strength to stop Facebooking, Lucy Tucker is here for you. A sympathetic listener, an honest cyber companion and a cushiony figurative shoulder to cry on.
Dear Lucy,
Hi Lucy, I have been very sleep deprived this semester so far... I am living on one of the 8 balconies in Langley, and every night at about 2am, I can hear my name being screeched from below. Yes, that's right, I have an admirer, "serenading me" from the tennis court below. How do I get rid of him? You can't just go round seranding people these days.. Its just not the done thing! Please help!
Sincerely, Julianne.
Hi Julianne,
Thank you for being my first writer for the year. I want everyone to know that this is a circle of trust and that you can ask me anything, including things that are too embarrassing to ask your balcony buddies. First of all I know how you feel. It is tough to be so hot that men feel the need to be Romeo to your incredibly reluctant Juliet. I know it is not your fault but if you want to be rid of this guy you should try to be less beguiling. It will be tough as every Womens girl is by nature irresistible but needs must as the devil dictates.
Alternatively you could try a more violent method. Stock up on water balloons and next time he bothers you hit whichever part of him you find the most offensive. A certain 8 balcony found that sausages are equally effective.
Just remember, all of us are behind you in getting rid of this person so if nothing else works publish his name in the Fly and we'll get rid of him for you.
Lots of love,
Lucy Tucker.
Dear Lucy,
Hi my name is Tara and I’m currently studying in Brisbane but want to get away!! I’m turning twenty this year and want desperately to come to Women’s College but... AM I TOO OLD FOR COLLEGE?? I assume that all the freshers are fresh out of high school when they come to college. I do have my heart set on this though, please help!
Sincerely, Tara.
Dear Tara,
I’ll admit to being mildly offended that you think 20 is too old to come to college. I’m turning 86 this year and I still kick up my heels at the Salisbury every Wednesday night! It’s true that most of our fresher set is straight out of high school, but many of our girls now take a gap year before they start at Women’s, and we also have a vibrant community of sophs, seniors and post grads too. We try to keep a finger in every pie here at Women’s, which generally means that there’s a pie to suit every finger.
So what do you say? Are you waving goodbye to Bris Vegas and heading to our hallowed halls?
Yours in anticipation,
Lucy Tucker
Dear Lucy,
I’m a fresher here at Women’s and it has been one amazing rollercoaster since O-week. I really love going to the Salisbury and I think it is going to help me get a Pauline husband (just like my sister). I’ve done the June Dally Watkins course and while we didn’t cover this specifically I am fairly sure that wearing a bikini to the Salisbury (as the other week’s theme suggested) isn’t quite the done thing in the husband catching game. Any ideas? How do I rock the boat without sinking it?
Ariel, your little mermaid
Dear Ariel,
First and foremost, thank you for being a part of our community here at Women’s. We really do aim to embrace diversity, and having a representative of the mer-people among us makes us proud. Now, Ariel, about the Sals:
You’re an imaginary creature, so I don’t think I’m too far off the mark in thinking you have a great imagination. The Sals is just the place to let that imagination fly! When the theme calls for boardies and bikinis, start brainstorming for associated themes. I’m feeling a beach theme here, and when I go to the beach sometimes I like to snorkel, and when I snorkel I wear a wetsuit, a mask and snorkel and flippers. Too much neoprene in that outfit? No problem! Get yourself a pair of little girls bathers (the ones that have the special frill that accentuates an eight year old’s pot belly) and find yourself a sand bucket to match. Smear some zinc on either side of your cute button nose and you’re off.
Do come waggle your left hand at me when you’ve got some bling on your ring finger! I can’t wait for the special day!
Love, your aunty Lucy.
Dear Lucy,
What is the college policy on Sapphism?
Love, Lolita
p.s - Those glasses are quite fetching, are you single? :-p
Dear Lolita,
I’m surprised you should have to ask! I would have thought that our entry policy (most particularly the stipulation against applicants with a Y chromosomes) would have spoken for itself. Here at the Women’s College all women are very welcome, and our motto expresses perfectly our modus operandi: Together. You’ll excuse me, I’m sure, for slanting my font with those italics, but essentially Lolita dear (and have I told you that your pigtails are very becoming?) I’m sending you a virtual wink wink from behind these glasses you like so much.
See you at the next meeting of the Sapphist knitting club! Thursday evening in Menzies, isn’t it?
Yours very fondly,
Lucy Tucker
PS - I am single, yes.
Dear Lucy,
I've just found out that my aunty is having an affair with her gym instructor. I've always looked up to my aunt and uncle, I thought they had the perfect marriage, you know? Then I spot her canoodling with a muscle bound human exercise machine in broad daylight! I haven't told anyone yet, I don't know what to do. What should I do, Lucy? Do I tell my mum, my cousin, my uncle? Do I confront her?
- Shocked Suzie
Dear Suzie,
I have a couple of things I'd like you to consider. Has your uncle been working out recently? Perhaps you mistook him for a strapping man-ape when really he's just been bulking up in time for summer. What was your proximity to this illicit canoodling? It could have been someone who looked like your aunty from afar. Once you've had your eye sight checked, had a lie detector test, met, measured and weighed your uncle for muscle growth, then we are free to discuss what to do from there.
If the man whose well defined arms your aunty was in turns out not to be your uncle, then this is what to do. Do you have a camera? You should consider tailing your aunty and watching her every move. You need proof, or your family might think you're making the whole thing up to sabotage the harmony on Christmas day. If you get bored doing this, or if you have to go to uni, is there a boy who has a crush on you? Ask him to do it. Give him a camera and a photo of your aunty, this way you won't get caught. Once you have the photographic evidence, you have a choice. Who do you like better; your aunty or your uncle? If your aunty's cool, then ask her to go on a shopping date with you. Then, when she's sitting down waiting for the salesgirl to get those gold heels in her size, spring it on her. Unveil the photos, say you know what she's been doing and you're giving her the chance to confess everything. If she doesn't respond well, you'll have to go to plan b. This means putting on a long trench coat and sunglasses, calling up your uncle and telling him to meet you in the David Jones car park at Bondi Junction. When you meet, don't make eye contact. Simply tell him you think someone may have something of his, and slip him a photo. Before he has time to ask questions, slip away into the night. From here, Suzie, it's out of our hands I'm afraid.
Hope this helps,
Lucy
Dear Lucy,
WHERE'S WALLY? I'm on the Egyptian page and the sneaky, stripey fellow is nowhere to be seen!
- Wendy
P.s. Have you ever wondered who Wally really is?
Dear Wendy,
He's just to the left of the sphinx, in front of the tent with the mummies.
Wally can be very elusive. I know how you feel, sometimes I can't sleep at night if I can't find the Wallster. And yes, Wendy, I have wondered who Wally really is. We never find out much about his true character, do we? I mean, why does he wear those colours and why are we looking for him in the first place?
Yours empathetically,
Lucy
Dear Lucy,
When I'm driving home in the afternoon, I don't know which radio station to listen to. Which is the best?
-Kelly
Dear Kelly,
When you've been working all day and all you want is something to get you through the traffic, you've just got to go for Today FM's Hamish and Andy show. It's a delightful few hours, hosted by two funny young hotties and you'll find yourself laughing out loud to yourself like a crazy person. Do you like prank calls? These boys are the prank masters. They called Mexico City to tell them they shouldn't have been a wonder of the world. They're trying to reunite the kids who sang in the Cottee's Cordial commercial. It's gold, Kelly, how can you top that? After interviews they play Hamish and Andy's Greatest Hits, which just means they get balls and throw them at each other. How can anyone compete? Comic genius, that's what it is Kel.
Happy listening
Lucy